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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24953416">Break a Little, Heart of Mine</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sammy_is_obsessed/pseuds/Sammy_is_obsessed'>Sammy_is_obsessed</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Moceit Oneshots [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Sanders Sides (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst/Fluff, Cute, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Janus is insecure as all fuck, Love Confession, M/M, Mociet - Freeform, Romantic Moceit, gotta love moceit am I right?, love confession in the middle of the night because that's the kind of tender shit I write, sanders sides oneshot</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 09:21:35</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,951</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24953416</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sammy_is_obsessed/pseuds/Sammy_is_obsessed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Patton had been the first to use his name. Janus didn’t want to admit the way he liked his name on Patton’s lips, hearing it breathed out by someone who’d opposed him for so long. And he’d asked, genuinely and frightened if there was a limit to saying sorry to someone. Patton had hurt Thomas and Janus could tell how much it broke his heart knowing that. Now more than ever Janus could see that Patton had been doing his very best, flawed though his views were. He was so frightened and ill-equipped and now he seemed terrified that Thomas’s love for him would waver because of the mistakes that he’d made.</p><p>Maybe that’s where it all started, the feelings that had since invaded every inch of him. Patton had used his name and it had made him feel soft, and seen, and happy. Janus was foolish enough to indulge in this joy, telling himself that it was a small allowance he wouldn’t give into. He certainly wouldn’t endear himself to Patton, certainly, he had more self-preservation than that.</p><p>As it turned out, no. No, he didn’t. </p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Deceit | Janus Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders, Moceit, romantic moceit - Relationship</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Moceit Oneshots [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1805533</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>160</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Break a Little, Heart of Mine</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Janus didn’t know how he’d gotten to this point. He thought back to when things first started when everything was just beginning to creep in, all so new and underdeveloped. He should’ve cut himself off from the feelings the moment they arose and now it was far too late to amputate, the disease having long since spread. There was no saving him now.</p><p>There were so many instances where he could’ve left, abandoned the newly forged relationships, and shut himself off again. It would’ve been easier that way, going back to being the villain, despised and untrusted. After all, who in their right mind puts their trust in a liar?</p><p>But he isn’t just a liar, now is he? He’s so much more than that, so much more than he might like to admit. And now the others knew too. Self-preservation is quite hard to villainize once you see it for what it is. Did they see him for what he was? He sincerely hoped not.</p><p>He shouldn’t have let them in, the others. He had a job to do, that’s the extent of it, and he did his job well. He’d maintained the persona of a wrongdoer for so long because it suited him. No one needed to trust him, not even Thomas, so long as he could do his job in peace. He would help Thomas without the gift of praise, he would do it all in spite of the other’s contempt, he would do anything necessary to ensure Thomas had the best life possible even if he hated him. Did it sting? Knowing the others had so much distain for him, that his host despised his very existence? What a preposterous question.</p><p>It hurt like hell. It burned, festering like a fire in the pit of his stomach for years with only Remus for company. Virgil had been there once, they’d been close. Janus didn’t like to think about that, knowing dwelling on the past would only distract him.</p><p>He supposed for a while not absolutely everyone despised him. Remus had never seemed to have any ill-will towards him, though it would be hard to tell if he did. The way Remus treated a friend and a foe was eerily similar. Janus had long since stopped trying to dissect Remus, looking for some hidden, deeper person hidden beneath the gore and crude humor. Remus was Remus, regardless of anything else. He was unabashedly himself, regardless of how much others might wish him to act otherwise. Honestly, he was a consistency that Janus was relieved he could always fall back on. He got on Janus’s nerves at the best of times, but that didn’t change the fact that they found company in being misfits. </p><p>Except…Janus wasn’t sure how much of an outcast he was now. Not after everything that had happened, not after Thomas had said those words that carried more weight than he would ever comprehend: <em>I don’t know that we are</em>. Roman had challenged Janus’s being present and Thomas had disagreed, rebelling against his hero.</p><p>Janus had never required Thomas’s respect, he’d never needed his admiration but now that he had it? He hardly knew what to make of it. It would be a lie to say that Janus hadn’t imagined a world in which Thomas cared for him and included him just as he did the other sides, but that had been nothing more than a fantasy as far as he was concerned. He’d never truly anticipated it, and now here he was, accepted, welcomed into the conversation, even.</p><p>And then there was Patton. </p><p>Janus’s feelings for Patton had always been fairly complicated. Their very existence made opposition inevitable; morality and deceit go about as hand-in-hand as oil and water. He’d fought to get his voice heard for years, but Patton wouldn’t allow it, too lost in a fantasy world where no wrong existed and lies were a gateway to evil. For some time Janus considered he might’ve hated Patton for what he’d put him through.</p><p>It was difficult, hating him, even after everything. Patton was so soft, so full of love for everyone <em>except</em> him. Janus knew that despite everything, Patton was well-intentioned in everything that he did. He would never want to hurt someone, certainly not Thomas, and yet once he had he lost control. </p><p>Janus had to admit, seeing Patton transform into a giant video-game frog with rippling abs was just about the strangest thing he’d ever borne witness to. Patton’s meltdown was not without consequences, either. Finally, after so many years of abject denial, Paton was forced to face the fact that morality is by no means a black-and-white issue. Selfishness is not equal with immorality and gluttony, and for the first time in front of the light sides, Janus presented himself fully. He wasn’t just Deceit, nor self-preservation alone; he was Janus. </p><p>Sharing his name hadn’t been something he’d intended to do, but Roman had questioned him with fear, asking how he could possibly be trusted. Revealing himself was something he wasn’t sure he’d ever get the chance to do, that he’d ever have the<em> courage</em> to do. It wasn’t something he’d ever be able to take back even if he wanted to.</p><p>He’d dreamt of it sometimes, removing a glove, holding up his right hand and saying, clearly and confidently: “My name is Janus.”</p><p>This dream had never included Roman laughing in his face. It was instinctual, the retort he made comparing Roman to his twin. It wasn’t fair to either of them in the end, especially not Remus, but even now Janus didn’t fully regret what he’d done. It had taken so much to tell him, he knew Roman knew it wasn’t easy, and yet he’d laughed at him. He’d insulted him. And then he’d promptly sunk out when he got his feelings hurt.</p><p>So Thomas’s acceptance of him was something he hadn’t been counting on, but Patton? Now that was something else entirely.</p><p>Patton had been the first to use his name. Janus didn’t want to admit the way he liked his name on Patton’s lips, hearing it breathed out by someone who’d opposed him for so long. And he’d asked, genuinely and frightened if there was a limit to saying sorry to someone. Patton had hurt Thomas and Janus could tell how much it broke his heart knowing that. Now more than ever Janus could see that Patton had been doing his very best, flawed though his views were. He was so frightened and ill-equipped and now he seemed terrified that Thomas’s love for him would waver because of the mistakes that he’d made.</p><p>Maybe that’s where it all started, the feelings that had since invaded every inch of him. Patton had used his name and it had made him feel soft, and seen, and happy. Janus was foolish enough to indulge in this joy, telling himself that it was a small allowance he wouldn’t give into. He certainly wouldn’t endear himself to Patton, certainly, he had more self-preservation than that.</p><p>As it turned out, no. No, he didn’t. </p><p>He was instead spending more and more time with Patton, accompanying him in the common room or while he was (attempting) to bake. Janus often had to offer aid with that, otherwise, Patton tended to get distracted. They're time spent together is something that, despite his better judgment, was something Janus had become dangerously fond of. Patton himself, it seemed, was someone he’d become dangerously fond of.</p><p>Once the feelings began to escalate Janus did everything he could to bite them back and simply enjoy time with his friend. But then Patton had kissed him. </p><p>They’d been watching a movie alone together in the common room, a film Janus can’t recall considering how distracted he’d been the entire duration of it. Patton was a very touchy-feely person, Janus understood this well after years of seeing him interact with the others, but none of that could prepare him for Patton cuddling up against him under a blanket, leaning his head on his shoulder. “Is this okay?” Patton asked, and Janus had wanted to reply: <em>“No! No this is far too much to handle! This is dangerous and all wrong, and something I should not be allowing happen!”</em> But he couldn’t, not when that selfish, lonely part of himself had longed for something like this for so long.</p><p>And when their faces had been dangerously close together Patton had asked in a small, trembling voice, “Can I kiss you?” Janus should’ve said no, he should’ve left the room and never spoken to Patton again, but instead he simply nodded, giving into foolishness.</p><p>Janus continued to lie to himself, promising that he wouldn’t become too attached and would know when to take a step back. But despite all his best efforts, Janus was getting wrapped up in Patton and all that he represented. His feelings for the moral side were only deepening, their moments spent together become more frequent and intimate. He didn’t want to admit that he was becoming addicted to Patton’s kiss – that he was becoming reliant on the joy he felt when he was in any proximity to him. </p><p>Now here Janus was, lying in Patton’s bed beside his lover; how had he allowed things to go this far? </p><p>Janus was sure his feelings were reciprocated to some extent, but certainly not to the level he felt for Patton. There was no way.</p><p>Janus sat up in bed, his heart determined to beat right out of his chest. He considered pushing the covers off of himself and slinking back to his own room. He considered never returning, never facing Patton again unless it was absolutely necessary, he considered – </p><p>“Janus?” Janus flinched at the sound of his name, seeing Patton blinking awake beside him. “Honey, what’s wrong?”</p><p>His chest tightened at the sound of the pet name. Patton had been calling him so many things lately: honey, sweetheart, darling. Janus could hardly stand the way it made his heart break a little more every time he heard it.</p><p>“Nothing’s wrong, Pat,” he said far too quickly, cursing the weakness in his tone, “Go back to sleep.”</p><p><em>Well, shit</em>, Janus thought to himself as Patton flicked on the lamp and rubbed his eyes before sliding on his glasses. Janus cast his gaze on the comforter, tracing the patterns of cats and dogs on the baby blue fabric before feeling a hand settle onto his shoulder, despising warmth blooming up his arm.</p><p>“Jan –.”</p><p>“I <em>said</em> I’m fine,” Janus hissed, hoping it would keep Patton’s concerns at bay, “nothing to worry about.” Patton sighed beside him, refusing to remove his hand. Janus wondered, stupidly, if Patton could feel him beginning to tremble. </p><p>“Sweetheart, I know something’s the matter. Something’s been the matter for some time, hasn’t it?” Janus’s silence spoke volumes. “I was trying to give you space and allow you some time to come to me with whatever it is, but I don’t think I can ignore it anymore. I’m sorry I ignored it at all. You know you can tell me anything, don’t you?” Janus continued to refuse meeting Patton’s gaze, his eyes still stubbornly stuck on the comforter.</p><p>“Not this, Patton. It’s – it’s too much,” Janus rasped out. His voice was fragile, unlike anything he’d ever known. Janus recalled a time not long ago where he was confident in his strength, in his judgment. Now, look at him, shivering under Patton’s touch, near tears because his feelings were too much to fucking handle. </p><p>“What’s too much? Please, I’m worried, Jan. You haven’t been acting like yourself.” </p><p><em>I don’t feel like myself,</em> Janus thought to himself bitterly. </p><p>He’d been a villain for so long, no-good. It had been easy, even if it hurt, even if he longed for affection. At least he didn’t have to deal with these god damn emotions. God, he sounded like Logan.</p><p>“All of this,” Janus gritted out vaguely, finally meeting Patton’s flickering gaze, “You. The…” Janus swallowed the forming lump in his throat, squeezing his eyes shut, “…<em>relationship</em> that we have. I was the villain for so long, I don’t know how to be anything else. I don’t know how to do this.” </p><p>Janus shivered as he felt Patton take his left hand in his own, rubbing his thumb along the scales.</p><p>“But that isn’t true. You aren’t a villain – you never really were. Janus, honey, I’m so sorry for how I treated you for so long. I didn’t ever consider your worth and that is something I will never forgive myself for,” Patton’s voice wavered sadly before he continued, “But that doesn’t mean I can’t be better now. As for us, am I overwhelming you?”</p><p>“I –,” Janus’s voice faltered, words failing.</p><p>“Talk to me, Jan. I just want things to be okay, but I don’t know how I can fix anything if I don’t know what’s going on.” Janus wanted to sink out of the room, to sob long and hard alone. He didn’t want to face this, but the heartbroken way that Patton’s spoken to him is something he can’t disregard. He let go of Patton’s hand.</p><p>“Truthfully, I don’t know how to do any of this. I’m afraid of the intimacy that y-you’ve shown me. I’m afraid of how strongly I feel for you, Patton.” The silence that hung over them was positively devastating before Patton spoke, soft and genuine:</p><p>“Janus…you know I love you, right?”</p><p> Janus’s heart panged as his head swiveled to look at Patton whose eyes shone with sincerity. </p><p>“What – what did you just sssay?” The hiss that invaded his voice took them both equally by surprise. Janus was rarely at the mercy of his snake-traits, as it only happened in moments of intense emotion. It made sense, he supposed bitterly. </p><p>“I said: I love you,” Patton repeated, smiling at the flush that spread across the human side of Janus’s face. </p><p>“N-no you don’t,” Janus said as though he couldn’t sense when the others were lying. If Patton was being anything other than truthful, he would’ve been able to tell.</p><p>“Yes, I do. I didn’t want to say it before, I dunno, I figured I might scare you away.”</p><p>“Scare <em>me</em> away?” The notion was positively preposterous. How could Patton ever think that he could frighten Janus to any capacity? “I – are you being serious? The idea of you doing anything like that is ludicrous. I’ve just been so…”</p><p>“Afraid?” Patton supplied, his hand returning to Janus’s shoulder. Janus nodded, almost sadly. “Hey, that’s okay. It’s alright to be scared.” He shook his head.</p><p>“Not when it’s me. I’m not used to,” Janus gestured vaguely, “any of this. I’m not equipped to handle this kindness, or compassion, or love. How can you love me?” Patton frowned, wincing at the insecurity in Janus’s tone that reminded him far too much of himself.</p><p>“Because you’re <em>you</em>, Jan,” he answered as if it was that simple, “You’re kind and smart, and you always have everyone’s best interest in mind. I love you, Janus. I don’t know how it took me so long to realize, but I do.” Janus’s instincts to flee fell away as Patton’s threw his arms over his shoulder, pulling him into a tight embrace.</p><p>“I love you too,” Janus admitted breathlessly, sighing as Patton ran a hand through his hair. </p><p>“We’ll tell the others about us in the morning, okay?” Janus blinked, yet refused to leave Patton’s arms.</p><p>“Really? Are – are you sure?” They both hadn’t mentioned the state of their relationship to any of the other sides, as Janus had been convinced Patton wouldn’t want to do so, and maybe Patton had thought the same about him. Knowing many of the light’s opinions of him, Janus didn’t have the highest of hopes for what the reactions would be.</p><p>“I’m positive. Unless you don’t want to yet?” Janus buried his face in Patton’s chest.</p><p>“Oh no, I<em> despise</em> the idea of everyone knowing of our relationship, so I can continue to feel like I need to keep it a secret.” Patton giggled, bright and pretty.</p><p>“That’s what I thought. Did talking make you feel better?” Patton massaged his scalp, making Janus melt further into him.</p><p>“Mmm yessss,” he hissed contently, earning another laugh, “I uh, mean, <em>yes</em>. It did. I’m still fairly out of my depth with this whole, “being accepted and loved thing.” Not that I told you any of that. I can’t have my reputation completely tarnished."</p><p>“My lips are sealed.”</p><p>“Good,” Janus said through a yawn, “But you’re certainly making it easier. I’m sorry…I should’ve talked to you.”</p><p>“It’s okay, honey. I understand. Feelings can be tricky, we’ll just take things one slither at a time.” Janus nodded against him with a strained laugh, sighing as Patton shut out the light and wrapped his arms around him again. </p><p>“Night-night, Jan. I love you,” Patton said, pressing a tired kiss to his lips before shutting his eyes.</p><p>“Goodnight, dearest,” Janus crooned, finally giving way to all of the affection that had been building inside of himself, “I love you too.”</p><p>For too long, Janus hadn’t thought himself capable of love, nor deserving of it. Once he received it, the fear that such things were temporary or not as intense as his feelings plagued his mind and for the first time in a long time, he got scared. Janus was happy to have his fears invalidated, though. The idea of having someone who truly, genuinely cared so deeply about him was still a frightening concept, but one that he was becoming sure he could handle.</p><p>Janus shut his eyes, sleeping deeply, and dreaming of love.</p><p>=+=</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This was done as a request on my writing Tumblr @/exhaustedfander. I'd love to hear what you thought of this one and kudos are always appreciated. Have a wonderful day/night!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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